This past week I feel like I have had another lesson in humility... In the past I usually associated "humility" with being "humiliated." It is only in the recent couple of years have I begun to learn and experience the true meaning of humility.
This past week I had the amazing experience of spending Spring Break with another family - and we were twelve hours from home in the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. As much as I try not to have expectations, sometimes I get a little selfish, and along with my self will, expectations soon follow. My expectation went along with my selfish desire to spend some "BFF" time with my friend, and let the guys and kids fend for themselves. I didn't have it written in my planner (so this IS improvement) but there it was, lingering in the back of my mind - my planning, and planning, and ...
It was in my obsessive planning where my most recent lesson in humility began. We got out to Tennessee, and things were rocking along quite well. Kids were playing, no fussing or arguing, guys were relaxing... I had talked to all of my family members before we left Oklahoma, and everyone seemed healthy. My sister was still recovering from surgery, but she had returned to work, so she should be fine. My dad had had a scare with an abnormal CT Scan the weekend before, but all that seemed to have improved as well. All in all, the health and wellness of my extended family was pretty good. Both my sister and dad had reassured me that, "yes, you have to go on your trip!"
Then, I got "the call." My sister called and told me that she had been vomiting, so they were re-admitting her to the hospital for IV fluids. Okay, I thought... No big deal, just a precaution. I had my phone, so I went over her symptoms, labs, etc. and everything seemed to be pretty good. The next day we went hiking in the National Park. There's a funny thing about National Parks and nature - they tend to frown upon cell phone towers. This means I had no cell phone service ALL DAY. What to do? Oh yeah, PRAY. Then, PRAY some more. Remember how I mentioned that "planning" I had been doing earlier? Well, my obsessive-compulsive mind started making a list of all of the possible outcomes involving my sister. Unfortunately, for me, planning and making lists translates into worry and anxiety, then the next thing I know, I am in crisis mode and not even thinking in a spiritual-reliant state at all. My brain starts planning how I can change and fix things. Needless to say - not too good for the serenity level.
So, when we finally had hiked the mountain, seen the waterfall, took the pictures, we high-tailed it back to town, and, more importantly, cell service. As soon as I had cell service, my phone starting alerting me of multiple missed calls. I immediately called my sister, and with my heart pounding, she tells me that she is getting ready to go back for emergency surgery because she had a leak in her stomach where they had performed the surgery and now she had an abscess. She also told me they were putting in a feeding tube, and... My brain took all that in, and ran with it. But, wait... I have heard some advice that I use a lot. "Pause when agitated... and pause when doubtful." I was sitting in the parking lot of our hotel, with the beautiful smokey mountains in the background, the glorious sun shining on my face, and clarity returned.
I began to pray, and I felt peace. Clarity, truth - for me, these must come from God. Without God's guidance, my thoughts seem to automatically turn to planning (just another word for Stacy trying to control everything) and making to-do lists. This planning is just one manifestation of my self will trying to control my life. Thank God, but I don't have to live like that anymore.
So, some of the clarity that God gave me last week was that I can pray for my sister and my Dad anywhere I am. I don't have to be in Oklahoma to pray... I don't have to be physically in the Operating Room to be connected with my sister. I was right there beside her in Spirit. By being in Tennessee, I was able to be a sister, and not her "medical manger" or her nurse, surgeon, wound specialist, etc... God made her my sister - it was me who was trying to take on the burden of all those other things. And let me confess, it is such a burden to take on all those other roles. There is so much peace in just doing what God places in front of me, and not trying to control all those other things.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to be me, and loving me anyway (even when I sometimes try to do Your job). Thank you for allowing me to do what You would have me do, which is always much more fulfilling that anything I would "plan" for myself. I pray to be humble that I can see the bigger picture than the one that I have known. Thank you God for taking care of me and the ones that I love - please help me to let go of those ideas and desires that I selfishly cling to, instead opening my eyes and heart to Your love.
