It has been awhile since I have written - I am not sure why.... well, okay, I may have an inkling of "what" and "who" has caused me to procrastinate my writing.
There is something cathartic about writing about your personal life, and it doesn't seem to matter if I am writing about my past or present. I have read that by writing you are able to access a primitive part of your brain, and that is why recording your thoughts in a journal can be so important in the healing process. The truth is, it is a little scary! But... God has been leading me back here to share my struggles, my experiences, my hope and the those special, simple moments in between as I grow in His Light.
I have some good news to share - WE MADE IT! By "it" I am referencing my oldest son's graduation from high school. It was emotional, it was rough, it was joyous, it was simply amazing! So many emotions all wrapped up and marked as a "milestone" along our journey of life.
Now, for the confession. I do not like (okay, I despise) emotional pain! I know I am not alone in this sentiment, but in the past, I have gone to extreme lengths to avoid unpleasant feelings. I'm not going to linger in the past reflecting on my methods of avoidance, but suffice it to say that I would do just about anything to not cry or hurt inside. My pride and my ego believed that "I am woman, hear me roar" was the truth and the path to success and happiness. Needless to say, I was missing the forest for the trees.
By God's grace, I have learned that pain is temporary. I have learned that all of those worries, those fears, the sadness, the feelings of being lost, the feelings of emptiness that I used to have - ALL of those pains - will pass and can be erased by His Spirit. What a revelation that was to me! I have learned that by allowing myself to be truly ALIVE, be truly "present" in the moment, the pain passes and them is replaced by the indescribable happiness, joy and freedom. By allowing myself to be an imperfect human being, I am able to embrace and enjoy life so much more.
It's by these little painful lessons that I grow most spiritually. Those unpleasant feelings gently remind me how much I need God. But, there is a good part about this - my pain tolerance has gotten much lower - the more I rely on Him, the more peace and joy I have, despite the circumstances. Today, when I start feeling hurt or overwhelmed, I know to look to God for my answers. I am so grateful that I have learned that without the darkness, the light wouldn't be so bright. The best part about this? I'm not scared of the dark anymore because I have the Light of the World leading the way. :)
