The Origin of Fear

FEAR. A word that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A word that represents a corrosive thread woven throughout the tapestry of my life. A word that represents a manifestation of self-will. Basically, not a desirable word when referencing my life (that is an understatement).

It seems I can certainly feel some fear... If I allow it, fear can totally consume me, starving off any breath of life. Fear can (and will) effectively slam the door on peace and serenity. All this can happen without a moment's hesitation. Tonight, all of this did happen.

Where does fear come from? What is the weak spot, that thought, action or event, which causes this caustic process to gain foothold?

I fell asleep pondering these questions, praying, asking for God to help me understand. I asked God to reinforce those areas in my life where fear seems to be lurking, hovering, watching for the opportunity to multiply and grow.

I awoke with this answer, this reason for my fear. Self reliance, instead of spiritual reliance. And, let's face it... I have a past record of failing when I try to do it alone. With God, all things are possible. No reason to fear. But, without God, I have a HUGE risk of failure.

So, the answer to my present fear (and future fear) is to rely on God, first and foremost. Not rely on self. This leads me back to surrender - by giving up anything and everything to God, I paradoxically GAIN everything.

I have this mental image of fear - I picture as a gross moldy "thing". What wipes out mold? The answer is always the same, no matter the question. The answer is LIGHT. When subjected to the Light of God, my fear melts away.

Seek and You Shall Find

It seems everywhere I turn I hear the word, "Seek." Usually when I hear this, my thoughts turn automatically to seeking God, especially the verse Matthew 7:7. It seems that my automatic, learned word association for "seek" is "God" and "heaven."

Last week I was given a new perspective on "seek." I have an acquaintance who is really, really struggling right now. This person is physically, emotionally and spiritually sick. My heart hurt for this person. I felt as if I could see the despair, the hopelessness, the shame surrounding this person, almost drowning them... But, not quite. YET. I could see small ripples of hope which appeared to be just enough to lift them to the surface. A little hope to allow room to breathe, room for a mustard seed size serving of faith to blossom into courage.

I could remember when I felt these same emotions. I felt lost, alone, useless. My path crosses sometimes with others who carry these burdens that I have carried in the past. When I look into their eyes, I see the void lurking in the background. That dark abyss just waiting to engulf their entire being. I remember what it was like to not care if I was overtaken or undertaken.

There was a time when I would question WHY our paths would cross, now I understand that this is God working in His miraculous way. In His infinite wisdom, He has placed me at that particular place for a reason. Today, my prayer is that I am a vessel for Him; I pray that I am present in the moment, using everything He has given me for His will.

I was talking about these things with a very dear friend, whom wisely stated, "People generally find what they seek." This statement, simple, yet so eloquently spoken, contains such wisdom. These words reminded me that while we are all human fallible, we all still have a CHOICE. God gave us self will. And, we either choose Him or we choose self. It's that simple. But - with God, we can choose Him at any time, day or night. The days and nights of self-will can be lonely, desolate places. The good news is that God never sleeps. He's there, ALWAYS.

I reached out to this sick person. I was rejected. Truthfully, that stung. Hurt my pride a little bit (maybe a lot!) Selfishly, I thought was "finished" with this person. Awhile later, I was gently reminded that I am looking down at the problems because I am living in the solution (my God is bigger than any little problem!) That helped my human self understand a little, comforted my hurt ego. If this SLIGHT rejection hurt me, I cannot even begin to imagine how much it hurts my Creator when I reject Him. Even though I have rejected Him in the past, He still welcomes me to Him. When I seek Him, He reveals Himself to me. Opening His arms, carrying me close to His heart. He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY despite my flaws, despite my wrongs, despite my selfish choices. And, He will love and forgive the hurting soul I met a few days ago... With His help, I can too.

Weekend Reflections

I just downloaded this free blogging app, so of course, I have to try it out immediately. :) Okay, maybe not immediately, but how about NOW?

I think I have had the wrong idea about this blog. I have often waited until major events or learning experiences have happened in my life before I would write about it. Now, thanks to this new, cool app, I can blog from my phone! Watchout Blog World! ;)

This has been a fast, furious, but great weekend. One of those weekends that there is little to no rest, but on Sunday evening, it's like, where did the time go?

Today we had a baby shower for a very dear friend of mine (and her husband too!). It was so nice to see her family & friends "shower" her with love and all kinds of baby stuff. As I watched her open gifts, I thought about how our church family is truly kind and generous. I feel so blessed to be a part of this amazing group of women. They all shared a little part of their maternal wisdom through their gifts and words of encouragement. It is so fun to listen to what advice and tips seasoned mothers give!

So, here's mine. As with most things in life, what you plan for isn't usually what happens. My small piece of wisdom, that secret helpful hint, ended up being a small, but relatively unknown ingredient for the punch. No, not "that" kind of ingredient... INVISIBLE KOOL-AIDE!

Invisible or clear drinks are a must in our house of seven. I mistakenly assumed that everyone knew about invisible Kool-Aide.

This evening during my quiet time, I thought again about the invisible Kool-Aide. My thoughts then turned to what other things do I assume everyone knows? What other pearls of wisdom do I have, that I don't share because I assume everyone already knows?

Definitely food for thought. So, for the upcoming week, I'm making a commitment to not keep those cool little insights hidden from the world.