Growing Pains

Growing pains are exhausting.  Growing pains are literally painful.  I know children who have physical growing pains, but the type I am talking about are the growing pains of the spiritual & emotional nature.  In case I haven't mentioned it, I do not like emotional pain!  Emotional pain is a huge trigger to send me running into the dark abyss of fear.  Fear leads me down a path of self-reliance instead of God reliance.   Fear is a slippery slope which leads me to believe that I am alone.  Fear leads me into self pity, false pride, self-centeredness and a whole bunch of other scary places not fit for human habitation.

That being said, I think I have painted a mental image of where I have been today.  Not pretty or pleasant.

Today I feel exhausted - used up.  Tired.  Spent.  Broken.  

I feel bruised & battered - abused by someone I know very well.  I see her everyday - I know her inside and out. I spend more time with her than any other human being.  Somedays I like her.  Somedays I am indifferent to her.  Somedays like today, I don't like her.   She readily finds fault with my every action, every thought.  She is always near, watchfully waiting to judge and condemn.  She can dish out agonizing punishment more than anyone else.  She is my judge, my jury & my executioner. Who is this person?  This person, my abuser, is me.  Sounds more than a little egocentric, doesn't it?  Not to mention just a wee bit crazy?!?

I have shared a lot of my journey, especially the trials, through my writing.  Lately, I have been struggling with the same old thing - different day, different circumstance, but the same struggle.

I struggle with this need to try to be perfect - to the point of obsessive-compulsive behaviors.  I know this is not ground-breaking information, but there is not much serenity to be found in the search for perfection.  Especially when I was created as an imperfect human.  How quickly I can forget this though!   

My OCD manifests itself in the strong "need" to KNOW.  I find myself worrying, obsessing over "knowing" what tomorrow will bring, "knowing" that i have prepared and planned for every possible problem which I can conceive to happen given any and all possible scenarios (logical and unlogical!)  This "need" drives and pushes my self-will to the forefront.  The more I rely on myself, the sicker and more miserable I become with "knowing" and "planning" and "making lists"...  Ad infinitum.

Today I have a much lower pain tolerance.  Especially for the self-inflicted wounds.  Today I experience radical grace from my loving and all-powerful God, who whispers "Be still, and KNOW that I am GOD."

You see, with those simple words, I realize that it doesn't matter how many dirty dishes I have in my sink, how much money I have in the bank, or how much work I wasn't able to perfectly sign off before I left the office today.   My God tells me that He is in control, & my job is to be still & know Him.  He tells me that He loved me enough that He sent His Son to be perfect for me, so I don't have to.  What relief comes with acceptance of Him!!

This seems to be the way I learn - this constant molding and reshaping into what He would have me be.  The funny thing is that the more I learn, the less I want to "know" - meaning the closer I grow to God, my obsessive-compulsive hang-ups fall away, piece by piece.  That is the beauty of grace for me today.