November 10, 2011

Even as I start writing, I feel like I am betraying someone I love very much. But, I feel like I have spiritual warfare taking place inside my heart right now, and past experience tells me that cease-fire happens when I put pen to paper and get to the heart of the matter. Somehow by writing my thoughts and feelings, the barrier is broken, and truth begins tumbling free.

My heart is breaking. I feel so many different emotions right now - hurt, anger, fear, desperation, and abandonment. I feel like I am standing at a crossroads - a turning point in a relationship and I don't know which way to go. I know I want God's will for and in my life. I know I want to continue to seek God's will. I have been so fortunate to have support along the way thus far. But, today, I feel as if I had the rug pulled out from under me by a person near and dear to my heart. My head is spinning just thinking about it. My stomach is queasy as I write these words.

My part in this was having expectations. Of course. Isn't it always that? Those sneaky little things - they always seem to find a way to weasel in and before I know it, I have some sort of expectation about someone or something. The problem with expectations is that these can easily evolve into a resentment. This is the typical case for me, and I end up with my feelings hurt. Then, with my hurt feelings, I decide that I can "handle it myself" - also known as emotionally withdrawing and isolating from the world (or one particular person). Just another way of me allowing my self-will to interfere... Self, selfishness, self-will...

Luckily, for me, I have at least learned the warning signs of when my self-will gets back into the driver seat. Let's just say that when my self-will takes charge, it ends up being a pedal-to-the-metal race along the highway to hell. I feel that hell is an appropriate word here because when I am operating under self-will, I am racing away from God & His will for me. I am willingly separating myself from God, and it is dark, lonely and very painful when I am separated from God. (In case you didn't know this about me, I am not a fan of dark, lonely, isolated places.)

I have been praying about something - an endeavor - for awhile now. It seems everywhere I turn this one "issue" is mentioned... Different places, different people, different times, but one common theme. I expected (yes, there it is AGAIN!) that a certain person close to me would go along with me. I knew this person wouldn't be completely "into it" but I did think that there would be some participation.

I was wrong. Completely and totally wrong. Not even on the same page. So, I have cried. I have stomped my feet. I have felt sorry for myself. I cried more. Finally, I started doing what I should've done from the beginning. I started praying. Then, I started writing.

My thoughts begin to calm, and I can hear His gentle voice, calming the storm within me. The God who made that beautiful moon shining in the sky tonight is the same God who is cradling my heart, my soul right now.

Earlier today I felt as if I had to make a choice between God and this person's involvement in all parts of my life. I felt like since this person said that they were not interested in parts of my spiritual journey, then I had to make a choice. I was wrong. Living by my Self-will does crazy things to my brain - like make me believe that I am not wanted or I am not loved.

Now, my answer comes easily... God has given me others to be with me on this journey. I am not alone. I have to trust in Him to provide everything I need, including those other believers. Sometimes, I see the world through my own limited eyes. When I ask, He changes my vision, allowing me to see what He would have me see. I now know that if I am meant to participate in this endeavor, He will provide me what I need, including people with which to share this journey.

Dear God, thank you for always being here. I love You so much. I thank You for Your faithfulness. I ask Your forgiveness for my doubt, for my impatience, for my selfishness. I know that it must hurt You when I try to do things myself, do it all my way, when I know that Your way is far better and far easier than my meager human mind can comprehend. Please forgive me of these hurtful things. Help me to rely on You. Help me to do what You would have me do. Please give me the courage, the strength, the wisdom to live my life for You.

Finally, please Lord, help me accept what others are willing to give. Please remove my attachments - help me to only attach to You. Take my hurt, my anger, my resentments and my expectations. Fill me with Your Spirit. Thank You for Your Mercy and Your Grace that flows limitlessly from You into my broken soul. It is only with You that I am made free, only with You that I am healed. I thank You for giving Your Son to bear these sins for me - thank You for Your unconditional love. Help me be a vessel so that others may see You and Your Love. Amen.