This was supposed to be published November 12, but it didn't get posted. So trying again...
It is simply amazing how quickly God can turn my broken heart into a rejoicing heart! This morning during my quiet time, my thoughts turned to Matthew chapter 14 where Peter asked Jesus to prove Himself. Peter asked Jesus to allow him to join with Jesus out in the middle of the water, or should I paraphrase... Peter said "Prove it - let me walk on the water too."
I have been so much like Peter the past few days. I have been walking this journey, at ease with those whom have been in my boat for awhile. I felt comfortable. I "knew" the plan. I assumed we were all on the same page. I have learned that when I assume, when I "know" things, that this is me becoming too comfortable to grow spiritually. And, like Peter, I become doubtful too easily, needing constant reminders of just how powerful God truly is, and how much He cares for me.
Last night, I took that step onto the water. I followed through with the plan. I had promised someone I would be there, and I went. I kept my eyes focused on Him, and my faith never faltered.
I know I have been vague on the specific details of the events for the past few days. I have made some decisions, and I am trying to keep taking those steps of faith toward Jesus. I know that the storm clouds are out there, somewhere, but I know that He will be carrying me through.
Yesterday I struggled with staying home, staying comfortable, because someone close to me did not feel drawn to the direction my spiritual path was taking. Last night I followed through, and went anyway. I thought I was going alone, but in reality, I was surrounded by family. I was SO blessed for my efforts. All I had to give was myself - openly, honestly and willingly give myself. Just me doing nothing more than this, and He so graciously rewarded me.
What happened to the fear? It evaporated and peace filled all of the dark spaces which clung to my fear.
What of my disappointment in the other person? Today I have faith - I am choosing to focus on God for the answers, and not look to myself or earthly things for solutions.
And, finally, God gave me what I needed to soothe my hurt feelings regarding this person. As I was driving home, I heard a song on the radio that made me think of this person. Somehow, really without any effort on my part, I was filled with love and adoration for this very special person. And, just like that, my hurts were healed, and replaced with a sense of serenity and fulfillment.
Oh, on a post-script note: the verse for last night was Psalm 46:10 - "Be still, and know that I am God. I will exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth." Coincidence? I think not. :)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Christmas Spirit
I am excited about Christmas this year. Excited in a different way, a way that is hard to explain with words. I haven't felt this excited about Christmas in a long time... I am excited about the season, the traditions and the festive spirit that goes along with the holiday season.
I must confess that in years past I have had my "Christmas Spirit" be determined by how much, how many, how big, and just plain old how I gave gifts. And, with this material focus, I kept a meticulous list. I wanted to make sure everyone and everything was accounted for, leaving nothing to chance. I wanted a perfect Christmas, with the perfect gifts for everyone. Isn't Christmas about giving (gifts) and giving the best, the most, the biggest gifts?
Looking back, I feel a little foolish. I certainly didn't grow up expecting to get everything I could dream of or think to write down on my list to Santa. This material focus of Christmas seems to be more of an adult identity crises or something.
Just like every other aspect of my life, my focus moved from God & His sacrifice for me, to selfish, earthly things. The sad reality is that sometimes I would have moments of clarity, but a television commercial or shopping trip would stir that slumbering consumerism inside me. The next thing I knew I would be out shopping, yet complaining inwardly of how rude and inconsiderate people are during the holiday season. Outwardly, I became just like everyone else, filling my shopping basket with gifts.
When did I become such a follower? I feel shallow and little embarrassed to admit this, but, when did I start believing that a toy or some other inanimate object would be more meaningful to my loved ones than quality time spent with them? When did I buy (no pun intended!) into the false belief that if one is good, then ten is better?
I can almost hear the protest of my kids in the background as I write this... So, my sweet children, I'm not saying that we aren't buying gifts for you. I'm saying that this year will be different. I am going to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. I want to enjoy each day of this special season. I want to acknowledge the real reason we celebrate Christmas. And the gifts that I give will be purposeful and meaningful. I am going to try to not fall into the trap of allowing material goods to express my love to friends and family. This year, I am going to tell them I love them. I am going to spend time with them that hopefully will be remembered fondly as they grow older. I want to make Christmas memories that will make us all look forward to this time of year. This is intended to be a joyous celebration, and I plan to enjoy every, single moment!
I must confess that in years past I have had my "Christmas Spirit" be determined by how much, how many, how big, and just plain old how I gave gifts. And, with this material focus, I kept a meticulous list. I wanted to make sure everyone and everything was accounted for, leaving nothing to chance. I wanted a perfect Christmas, with the perfect gifts for everyone. Isn't Christmas about giving (gifts) and giving the best, the most, the biggest gifts?
Looking back, I feel a little foolish. I certainly didn't grow up expecting to get everything I could dream of or think to write down on my list to Santa. This material focus of Christmas seems to be more of an adult identity crises or something.
Just like every other aspect of my life, my focus moved from God & His sacrifice for me, to selfish, earthly things. The sad reality is that sometimes I would have moments of clarity, but a television commercial or shopping trip would stir that slumbering consumerism inside me. The next thing I knew I would be out shopping, yet complaining inwardly of how rude and inconsiderate people are during the holiday season. Outwardly, I became just like everyone else, filling my shopping basket with gifts.
When did I become such a follower? I feel shallow and little embarrassed to admit this, but, when did I start believing that a toy or some other inanimate object would be more meaningful to my loved ones than quality time spent with them? When did I buy (no pun intended!) into the false belief that if one is good, then ten is better?
I can almost hear the protest of my kids in the background as I write this... So, my sweet children, I'm not saying that we aren't buying gifts for you. I'm saying that this year will be different. I am going to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. I want to enjoy each day of this special season. I want to acknowledge the real reason we celebrate Christmas. And the gifts that I give will be purposeful and meaningful. I am going to try to not fall into the trap of allowing material goods to express my love to friends and family. This year, I am going to tell them I love them. I am going to spend time with them that hopefully will be remembered fondly as they grow older. I want to make Christmas memories that will make us all look forward to this time of year. This is intended to be a joyous celebration, and I plan to enjoy every, single moment!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
November 10, 2011
Even as I start writing, I feel like I am betraying someone I love very much. But, I feel like I have spiritual warfare taking place inside my heart right now, and past experience tells me that cease-fire happens when I put pen to paper and get to the heart of the matter. Somehow by writing my thoughts and feelings, the barrier is broken, and truth begins tumbling free.
My heart is breaking. I feel so many different emotions right now - hurt, anger, fear, desperation, and abandonment. I feel like I am standing at a crossroads - a turning point in a relationship and I don't know which way to go. I know I want God's will for and in my life. I know I want to continue to seek God's will. I have been so fortunate to have support along the way thus far. But, today, I feel as if I had the rug pulled out from under me by a person near and dear to my heart. My head is spinning just thinking about it. My stomach is queasy as I write these words.
My part in this was having expectations. Of course. Isn't it always that? Those sneaky little things - they always seem to find a way to weasel in and before I know it, I have some sort of expectation about someone or something. The problem with expectations is that these can easily evolve into a resentment. This is the typical case for me, and I end up with my feelings hurt. Then, with my hurt feelings, I decide that I can "handle it myself" - also known as emotionally withdrawing and isolating from the world (or one particular person). Just another way of me allowing my self-will to interfere... Self, selfishness, self-will...
Luckily, for me, I have at least learned the warning signs of when my self-will gets back into the driver seat. Let's just say that when my self-will takes charge, it ends up being a pedal-to-the-metal race along the highway to hell. I feel that hell is an appropriate word here because when I am operating under self-will, I am racing away from God & His will for me. I am willingly separating myself from God, and it is dark, lonely and very painful when I am separated from God. (In case you didn't know this about me, I am not a fan of dark, lonely, isolated places.)
I have been praying about something - an endeavor - for awhile now. It seems everywhere I turn this one "issue" is mentioned... Different places, different people, different times, but one common theme. I expected (yes, there it is AGAIN!) that a certain person close to me would go along with me. I knew this person wouldn't be completely "into it" but I did think that there would be some participation.
I was wrong. Completely and totally wrong. Not even on the same page. So, I have cried. I have stomped my feet. I have felt sorry for myself. I cried more. Finally, I started doing what I should've done from the beginning. I started praying. Then, I started writing.
My thoughts begin to calm, and I can hear His gentle voice, calming the storm within me. The God who made that beautiful moon shining in the sky tonight is the same God who is cradling my heart, my soul right now.
Earlier today I felt as if I had to make a choice between God and this person's involvement in all parts of my life. I felt like since this person said that they were not interested in parts of my spiritual journey, then I had to make a choice. I was wrong. Living by my Self-will does crazy things to my brain - like make me believe that I am not wanted or I am not loved.
Now, my answer comes easily... God has given me others to be with me on this journey. I am not alone. I have to trust in Him to provide everything I need, including those other believers. Sometimes, I see the world through my own limited eyes. When I ask, He changes my vision, allowing me to see what He would have me see. I now know that if I am meant to participate in this endeavor, He will provide me what I need, including people with which to share this journey.
Dear God, thank you for always being here. I love You so much. I thank You for Your faithfulness. I ask Your forgiveness for my doubt, for my impatience, for my selfishness. I know that it must hurt You when I try to do things myself, do it all my way, when I know that Your way is far better and far easier than my meager human mind can comprehend. Please forgive me of these hurtful things. Help me to rely on You. Help me to do what You would have me do. Please give me the courage, the strength, the wisdom to live my life for You.
Finally, please Lord, help me accept what others are willing to give. Please remove my attachments - help me to only attach to You. Take my hurt, my anger, my resentments and my expectations. Fill me with Your Spirit. Thank You for Your Mercy and Your Grace that flows limitlessly from You into my broken soul. It is only with You that I am made free, only with You that I am healed. I thank You for giving Your Son to bear these sins for me - thank You for Your unconditional love. Help me be a vessel so that others may see You and Your Love. Amen.
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