One Word - 2011

One Word 2011 - Love

I opened my morning meditation this morning, and how fitting is it that it is about LOVE...

I have learned SO much about love in the past twelve months, so much about what love is, about what love isn't. My understanding of love has evolved exponentially, yet I find I am at a loss for the exact words to express this newfound knowledge.

Love is simple, yet it has the ultimate power. Love can breathe new life into a dead soul. Love is the small flame that overcomes overwhelming darkness. Love is the twinkle in the eye of my daughters. Love is the sound of the laugh of my sons. Love is the warmth and security in my husband's touch. Love is the smell of my grandmother's embrace (always smells like Jergens lotion) . Love is the flip-flop of the butterflies in my stomach when I hear my husband's voice. Love is the "warm-fuzzy" feeling I get just by thinking of LOVE.

Love is forgiving and forgetting. Love is hanging on, but love is letting go. Love is forever. Love is truth. Love is the beginning... But never ending. Love is mercy, but not justified or focused on justice. Love is easy, but sometimes the most difficult to practice. Love is simple, but sometimes (often!) I complicate it.

LOVE is a paradox. To have love, I must give love freely. The more love I give, the more love I will have. Love is unconditional, yet I tend to attach selfish "strings" and conditions.
LOVE flows continuously from the One True Source. Love is perfect. Love is God, and God is Love.

2011 was a year of growth for me. I know that I am just beginning, and I look to my One True Source, God, to love me and to show me how He would have me experience Love. I now know that all of these sensations, these emotions that I associate with love, all of these come from God. When I hear my girls giggling, I know that God has given me a gift of love. I am thankful He is so creative - He amazes me daily with how He expresses His love for me. And, when I love others, I am showing God that I love Him as well. LOVE brings me much joy, happiness and peace. So, my plan for 2012 is to keep sharing the love!

The Day After... November 11, 2011

This was supposed to be published November 12, but it didn't get posted. So trying again...

It is simply amazing how quickly God can turn my broken heart into a rejoicing heart! This morning during my quiet time, my thoughts turned to Matthew chapter 14 where Peter asked Jesus to prove Himself. Peter asked Jesus to allow him to join with Jesus out in the middle of the water, or should I paraphrase... Peter said "Prove it - let me walk on the water too."

I have been so much like Peter the past few days. I have been walking this journey, at ease with those whom have been in my boat for awhile. I felt comfortable. I "knew" the plan. I assumed we were all on the same page. I have learned that when I assume, when I "know" things, that this is me becoming too comfortable to grow spiritually. And, like Peter, I become doubtful too easily, needing constant reminders of just how powerful God truly is, and how much He cares for me.

Last night, I took that step onto the water. I followed through with the plan. I had promised someone I would be there, and I went. I kept my eyes focused on Him, and my faith never faltered.

I know I have been vague on the specific details of the events for the past few days. I have made some decisions, and I am trying to keep taking those steps of faith toward Jesus. I know that the storm clouds are out there, somewhere, but I know that He will be carrying me through.

Yesterday I struggled with staying home, staying comfortable, because someone close to me did not feel drawn to the direction my spiritual path was taking. Last night I followed through, and went anyway. I thought I was going alone, but in reality, I was surrounded by family. I was SO blessed for my efforts. All I had to give was myself - openly, honestly and willingly give myself. Just me doing nothing more than this, and He so graciously rewarded me.

What happened to the fear? It evaporated and peace filled all of the dark spaces which clung to my fear.

What of my disappointment in the other person? Today I have faith - I am choosing to focus on God for the answers, and not look to myself or earthly things for solutions.

And, finally, God gave me what I needed to soothe my hurt feelings regarding this person. As I was driving home, I heard a song on the radio that made me think of this person. Somehow, really without any effort on my part, I was filled with love and adoration for this very special person. And, just like that, my hurts were healed, and replaced with a sense of serenity and fulfillment.

Oh, on a post-script note: the verse for last night was Psalm 46:10 - "Be still, and know that I am God. I will exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth." Coincidence? I think not. :)

Christmas Spirit

I am excited about Christmas this year. Excited in a different way, a way that is hard to explain with words. I haven't felt this excited about Christmas in a long time... I am excited about the season, the traditions and the festive spirit that goes along with the holiday season.

I must confess that in years past I have had my "Christmas Spirit" be determined by how much, how many, how big, and just plain old how I gave gifts. And, with this material focus, I kept a meticulous list. I wanted to make sure everyone and everything was accounted for, leaving nothing to chance. I wanted a perfect Christmas, with the perfect gifts for everyone. Isn't Christmas about giving (gifts) and giving the best, the most, the biggest gifts?

Looking back, I feel a little foolish. I certainly didn't grow up expecting to get everything I could dream of or think to write down on my list to Santa. This material focus of Christmas seems to be more of an adult identity crises or something.

Just like every other aspect of my life, my focus moved from God & His sacrifice for me, to selfish, earthly things. The sad reality is that sometimes I would have moments of clarity, but a television commercial or shopping trip would stir that slumbering consumerism inside me. The next thing I knew I would be out shopping, yet complaining inwardly of how rude and inconsiderate people are during the holiday season. Outwardly, I became just like everyone else, filling my shopping basket with gifts.

When did I become such a follower? I feel shallow and little embarrassed to admit this, but, when did I start believing that a toy or some other inanimate object would be more meaningful to my loved ones than quality time spent with them? When did I buy (no pun intended!) into the false belief that if one is good, then ten is better?

I can almost hear the protest of my kids in the background as I write this... So, my sweet children, I'm not saying that we aren't buying gifts for you. I'm saying that this year will be different. I am going to focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. I want to enjoy each day of this special season. I want to acknowledge the real reason we celebrate Christmas. And the gifts that I give will be purposeful and meaningful. I am going to try to not fall into the trap of allowing material goods to express my love to friends and family. This year, I am going to tell them I love them. I am going to spend time with them that hopefully will be remembered fondly as they grow older. I want to make Christmas memories that will make us all look forward to this time of year. This is intended to be a joyous celebration, and I plan to enjoy every, single moment!

November 10, 2011

Even as I start writing, I feel like I am betraying someone I love very much. But, I feel like I have spiritual warfare taking place inside my heart right now, and past experience tells me that cease-fire happens when I put pen to paper and get to the heart of the matter. Somehow by writing my thoughts and feelings, the barrier is broken, and truth begins tumbling free.

My heart is breaking. I feel so many different emotions right now - hurt, anger, fear, desperation, and abandonment. I feel like I am standing at a crossroads - a turning point in a relationship and I don't know which way to go. I know I want God's will for and in my life. I know I want to continue to seek God's will. I have been so fortunate to have support along the way thus far. But, today, I feel as if I had the rug pulled out from under me by a person near and dear to my heart. My head is spinning just thinking about it. My stomach is queasy as I write these words.

My part in this was having expectations. Of course. Isn't it always that? Those sneaky little things - they always seem to find a way to weasel in and before I know it, I have some sort of expectation about someone or something. The problem with expectations is that these can easily evolve into a resentment. This is the typical case for me, and I end up with my feelings hurt. Then, with my hurt feelings, I decide that I can "handle it myself" - also known as emotionally withdrawing and isolating from the world (or one particular person). Just another way of me allowing my self-will to interfere... Self, selfishness, self-will...

Luckily, for me, I have at least learned the warning signs of when my self-will gets back into the driver seat. Let's just say that when my self-will takes charge, it ends up being a pedal-to-the-metal race along the highway to hell. I feel that hell is an appropriate word here because when I am operating under self-will, I am racing away from God & His will for me. I am willingly separating myself from God, and it is dark, lonely and very painful when I am separated from God. (In case you didn't know this about me, I am not a fan of dark, lonely, isolated places.)

I have been praying about something - an endeavor - for awhile now. It seems everywhere I turn this one "issue" is mentioned... Different places, different people, different times, but one common theme. I expected (yes, there it is AGAIN!) that a certain person close to me would go along with me. I knew this person wouldn't be completely "into it" but I did think that there would be some participation.

I was wrong. Completely and totally wrong. Not even on the same page. So, I have cried. I have stomped my feet. I have felt sorry for myself. I cried more. Finally, I started doing what I should've done from the beginning. I started praying. Then, I started writing.

My thoughts begin to calm, and I can hear His gentle voice, calming the storm within me. The God who made that beautiful moon shining in the sky tonight is the same God who is cradling my heart, my soul right now.

Earlier today I felt as if I had to make a choice between God and this person's involvement in all parts of my life. I felt like since this person said that they were not interested in parts of my spiritual journey, then I had to make a choice. I was wrong. Living by my Self-will does crazy things to my brain - like make me believe that I am not wanted or I am not loved.

Now, my answer comes easily... God has given me others to be with me on this journey. I am not alone. I have to trust in Him to provide everything I need, including those other believers. Sometimes, I see the world through my own limited eyes. When I ask, He changes my vision, allowing me to see what He would have me see. I now know that if I am meant to participate in this endeavor, He will provide me what I need, including people with which to share this journey.

Dear God, thank you for always being here. I love You so much. I thank You for Your faithfulness. I ask Your forgiveness for my doubt, for my impatience, for my selfishness. I know that it must hurt You when I try to do things myself, do it all my way, when I know that Your way is far better and far easier than my meager human mind can comprehend. Please forgive me of these hurtful things. Help me to rely on You. Help me to do what You would have me do. Please give me the courage, the strength, the wisdom to live my life for You.

Finally, please Lord, help me accept what others are willing to give. Please remove my attachments - help me to only attach to You. Take my hurt, my anger, my resentments and my expectations. Fill me with Your Spirit. Thank You for Your Mercy and Your Grace that flows limitlessly from You into my broken soul. It is only with You that I am made free, only with You that I am healed. I thank You for giving Your Son to bear these sins for me - thank You for Your unconditional love. Help me be a vessel so that others may see You and Your Love. Amen.

Growing Pains

Growing pains are exhausting.  Growing pains are literally painful.  I know children who have physical growing pains, but the type I am talking about are the growing pains of the spiritual & emotional nature.  In case I haven't mentioned it, I do not like emotional pain!  Emotional pain is a huge trigger to send me running into the dark abyss of fear.  Fear leads me down a path of self-reliance instead of God reliance.   Fear is a slippery slope which leads me to believe that I am alone.  Fear leads me into self pity, false pride, self-centeredness and a whole bunch of other scary places not fit for human habitation.

That being said, I think I have painted a mental image of where I have been today.  Not pretty or pleasant.

Today I feel exhausted - used up.  Tired.  Spent.  Broken.  

I feel bruised & battered - abused by someone I know very well.  I see her everyday - I know her inside and out. I spend more time with her than any other human being.  Somedays I like her.  Somedays I am indifferent to her.  Somedays like today, I don't like her.   She readily finds fault with my every action, every thought.  She is always near, watchfully waiting to judge and condemn.  She can dish out agonizing punishment more than anyone else.  She is my judge, my jury & my executioner. Who is this person?  This person, my abuser, is me.  Sounds more than a little egocentric, doesn't it?  Not to mention just a wee bit crazy?!?

I have shared a lot of my journey, especially the trials, through my writing.  Lately, I have been struggling with the same old thing - different day, different circumstance, but the same struggle.

I struggle with this need to try to be perfect - to the point of obsessive-compulsive behaviors.  I know this is not ground-breaking information, but there is not much serenity to be found in the search for perfection.  Especially when I was created as an imperfect human.  How quickly I can forget this though!   

My OCD manifests itself in the strong "need" to KNOW.  I find myself worrying, obsessing over "knowing" what tomorrow will bring, "knowing" that i have prepared and planned for every possible problem which I can conceive to happen given any and all possible scenarios (logical and unlogical!)  This "need" drives and pushes my self-will to the forefront.  The more I rely on myself, the sicker and more miserable I become with "knowing" and "planning" and "making lists"...  Ad infinitum.

Today I have a much lower pain tolerance.  Especially for the self-inflicted wounds.  Today I experience radical grace from my loving and all-powerful God, who whispers "Be still, and KNOW that I am GOD."

You see, with those simple words, I realize that it doesn't matter how many dirty dishes I have in my sink, how much money I have in the bank, or how much work I wasn't able to perfectly sign off before I left the office today.   My God tells me that He is in control, & my job is to be still & know Him.  He tells me that He loved me enough that He sent His Son to be perfect for me, so I don't have to.  What relief comes with acceptance of Him!!

This seems to be the way I learn - this constant molding and reshaping into what He would have me be.  The funny thing is that the more I learn, the less I want to "know" - meaning the closer I grow to God, my obsessive-compulsive hang-ups fall away, piece by piece.  That is the beauty of grace for me today.

The Origin of Fear

FEAR. A word that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A word that represents a corrosive thread woven throughout the tapestry of my life. A word that represents a manifestation of self-will. Basically, not a desirable word when referencing my life (that is an understatement).

It seems I can certainly feel some fear... If I allow it, fear can totally consume me, starving off any breath of life. Fear can (and will) effectively slam the door on peace and serenity. All this can happen without a moment's hesitation. Tonight, all of this did happen.

Where does fear come from? What is the weak spot, that thought, action or event, which causes this caustic process to gain foothold?

I fell asleep pondering these questions, praying, asking for God to help me understand. I asked God to reinforce those areas in my life where fear seems to be lurking, hovering, watching for the opportunity to multiply and grow.

I awoke with this answer, this reason for my fear. Self reliance, instead of spiritual reliance. And, let's face it... I have a past record of failing when I try to do it alone. With God, all things are possible. No reason to fear. But, without God, I have a HUGE risk of failure.

So, the answer to my present fear (and future fear) is to rely on God, first and foremost. Not rely on self. This leads me back to surrender - by giving up anything and everything to God, I paradoxically GAIN everything.

I have this mental image of fear - I picture as a gross moldy "thing". What wipes out mold? The answer is always the same, no matter the question. The answer is LIGHT. When subjected to the Light of God, my fear melts away.

Seek and You Shall Find

It seems everywhere I turn I hear the word, "Seek." Usually when I hear this, my thoughts turn automatically to seeking God, especially the verse Matthew 7:7. It seems that my automatic, learned word association for "seek" is "God" and "heaven."

Last week I was given a new perspective on "seek." I have an acquaintance who is really, really struggling right now. This person is physically, emotionally and spiritually sick. My heart hurt for this person. I felt as if I could see the despair, the hopelessness, the shame surrounding this person, almost drowning them... But, not quite. YET. I could see small ripples of hope which appeared to be just enough to lift them to the surface. A little hope to allow room to breathe, room for a mustard seed size serving of faith to blossom into courage.

I could remember when I felt these same emotions. I felt lost, alone, useless. My path crosses sometimes with others who carry these burdens that I have carried in the past. When I look into their eyes, I see the void lurking in the background. That dark abyss just waiting to engulf their entire being. I remember what it was like to not care if I was overtaken or undertaken.

There was a time when I would question WHY our paths would cross, now I understand that this is God working in His miraculous way. In His infinite wisdom, He has placed me at that particular place for a reason. Today, my prayer is that I am a vessel for Him; I pray that I am present in the moment, using everything He has given me for His will.

I was talking about these things with a very dear friend, whom wisely stated, "People generally find what they seek." This statement, simple, yet so eloquently spoken, contains such wisdom. These words reminded me that while we are all human fallible, we all still have a CHOICE. God gave us self will. And, we either choose Him or we choose self. It's that simple. But - with God, we can choose Him at any time, day or night. The days and nights of self-will can be lonely, desolate places. The good news is that God never sleeps. He's there, ALWAYS.

I reached out to this sick person. I was rejected. Truthfully, that stung. Hurt my pride a little bit (maybe a lot!) Selfishly, I thought was "finished" with this person. Awhile later, I was gently reminded that I am looking down at the problems because I am living in the solution (my God is bigger than any little problem!) That helped my human self understand a little, comforted my hurt ego. If this SLIGHT rejection hurt me, I cannot even begin to imagine how much it hurts my Creator when I reject Him. Even though I have rejected Him in the past, He still welcomes me to Him. When I seek Him, He reveals Himself to me. Opening His arms, carrying me close to His heart. He loves me UNCONDITIONALLY despite my flaws, despite my wrongs, despite my selfish choices. And, He will love and forgive the hurting soul I met a few days ago... With His help, I can too.

Weekend Reflections

I just downloaded this free blogging app, so of course, I have to try it out immediately. :) Okay, maybe not immediately, but how about NOW?

I think I have had the wrong idea about this blog. I have often waited until major events or learning experiences have happened in my life before I would write about it. Now, thanks to this new, cool app, I can blog from my phone! Watchout Blog World! ;)

This has been a fast, furious, but great weekend. One of those weekends that there is little to no rest, but on Sunday evening, it's like, where did the time go?

Today we had a baby shower for a very dear friend of mine (and her husband too!). It was so nice to see her family & friends "shower" her with love and all kinds of baby stuff. As I watched her open gifts, I thought about how our church family is truly kind and generous. I feel so blessed to be a part of this amazing group of women. They all shared a little part of their maternal wisdom through their gifts and words of encouragement. It is so fun to listen to what advice and tips seasoned mothers give!

So, here's mine. As with most things in life, what you plan for isn't usually what happens. My small piece of wisdom, that secret helpful hint, ended up being a small, but relatively unknown ingredient for the punch. No, not "that" kind of ingredient... INVISIBLE KOOL-AIDE!

Invisible or clear drinks are a must in our house of seven. I mistakenly assumed that everyone knew about invisible Kool-Aide.

This evening during my quiet time, I thought again about the invisible Kool-Aide. My thoughts then turned to what other things do I assume everyone knows? What other pearls of wisdom do I have, that I don't share because I assume everyone already knows?

Definitely food for thought. So, for the upcoming week, I'm making a commitment to not keep those cool little insights hidden from the world.

True Love Tuesday

I am "borrowing" this title from another blog that I follow called Imperfect Wives.  On Tuesdays, these women post about true love for their husbands, and I have felt the need to share some of my thoughts.

In the past when I thought of "true love" I would visualize young love, innocent love.  Those images of stolen kisses, holding hands, the flutter of my heart when I would hear his voice as I answered the phone.  It is SO easy to get caught up, or TRAPPED in the busy details of life.  I use the word "trapped" because there is a soft, subtle whisper of how I "should" be a perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect... 

I struggle daily with perfectionism.  Some days are easier than others.  I know I am not alone in this struggle.  I know that there are others - others who feel driven to divide themselves into teeny, tiny pieces - giving, giving, giving...  Never refilling, never resting, never allowing myself to be human.  In my struggle, in my journey to "perfectly imperfect" I feel that I am being led to share more with others who may be struggling with the same thoughts and feelings.  I know how much relief I get when I share a portion of myself with another kindred spirit. 

So today, on my true love Tuesday, I am giving my true self to my husband.  I can only do this with God's help, with His grace.  So, today, on true love Tuesday, I am going to focus on stolen kisses, holding hands and listening to the sound of his voice.  Oh yeah, and allow the sound of his voice to wash over my ears, travel down to my heart, and make my heart flutter.  Yes, 13 years later, it does still have the power to make my heart flutter and tingle.  That, my friends, is pretty awesome!

July 1, 2011

I usually try to only post positive, uplifting thoughts.  But, today may be different.  I think I am going to vent a little.  Maybe his bothered me because I woke up with a horiffic headache.  Maybe this bothered me because I dislike politics.  Maybe...  okay those are just ways of my brain denying the reality of why this offended me.  The reality is that it hit too close to home.  I know firsthand just how much this is a problem in our country.

This morning I awoke and was listening to the Today show while getting ready for work.  They were talking about politics, which I usually tube out.  But a phrase catches my ear - a reporter made the statement that one Senator told "Obama to tackle the problem with a pill."  That grabbed my attention!  As I listened on, I heard Sen. Pat Roberts say that "Obama needs to take a Valium and come talk about...."  I intrepreted this to mean that Prsident Obama just needed to get over his anger, anxiety or whatever feeling he was having by taking a "Valium" and get back to work. 

That hit me on so many levels.  These are the same group of individuals who make laws, make DRUG LAWS, yet here they are telling the LEADER OF OUR NATION to take a DRUG to DEAL with his emotion/feeling and get on with it - get back to work.  What happened to the "War on Drugs?"  Maybe the "war" should be fought first with ourselves, then extend it to others.

I am not offended because of a "holier than thou" attitude.  I just want to go on record saying that addiction is addiction.  Drug abuse is drug abuse.  There is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem.  There is no discrimination about whom this disease affects.  Senators and politicians included.  I just don't think that we will ever win the "war on drugs."  I am ready to cut out the denial and get to the truth.  If we all lived by the truth, then I think that we could begin making forward progress.

I'm Not Scared of the Dark Anymore

It has been awhile since I have written - I am not sure why....  well, okay, I may have an inkling of "what" and "who" has caused me to procrastinate my writing.

There is something cathartic about writing about your personal life, and it doesn't seem to matter if I am writing about my past or present.  I have read that by writing you are able to access a primitive part of your brain, and that is why recording your thoughts in a journal can be so important in the healing process.  The truth is, it is a little scary!  But...  God has been leading me back here to share my struggles, my experiences, my hope and the those special, simple moments in between as I grow in His Light.

I have some good news to share - WE MADE IT!  By "it" I am referencing my oldest son's graduation from high school.  It was emotional, it was rough, it was joyous, it was simply amazing!  So many emotions all wrapped up and marked as a "milestone" along our journey of life.

Now, for the confession.  I do not like (okay, I despise) emotional pain!  I know I am not alone in this sentiment, but in the past, I have gone to extreme lengths to avoid unpleasant feelings.  I'm not going to linger in the past reflecting on my methods of avoidance, but suffice it to say that I would do just about anything to not cry or hurt inside.  My pride and my ego believed that "I am woman, hear me roar" was the truth and the path to success and happiness.  Needless to say, I was missing the forest for the trees.

By God's grace, I have learned that pain is temporary.  I have learned that all of those worries, those fears, the sadness, the feelings of being lost, the feelings of emptiness that I used to have - ALL of those pains - will pass and can be erased by His Spirit.  What a revelation that was to me!  I have learned that by allowing myself to be truly ALIVE, be truly "present" in the moment, the pain passes and them is replaced by the indescribable happiness, joy and freedom.   By allowing myself to be an imperfect human being, I am able to embrace and enjoy life so much more.

It's by these little painful lessons that I grow most spiritually.  Those unpleasant feelings gently remind me how much I need God.  But, there is a good part about this - my pain tolerance has gotten much lower - the more I rely on Him, the more peace and joy I have, despite the circumstances.  Today, when I start feeling hurt or overwhelmed, I know to look to God for my answers.  I am so grateful that I have learned that without the darkness, the light wouldn't be so bright.  The best part about this?  I'm not scared of the dark anymore because I have the Light of the World leading the way.    :)  

A(nother) Lesson in Humility

This past week I feel like I have had another lesson in humility...  In the past I usually associated "humility" with being "humiliated."  It is only in the recent couple of years have I begun to learn and experience the true meaning of humility.

This past week I had the amazing experience of spending Spring Break with another family - and we were twelve hours from home in the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee.  As much as I try not to have expectations, sometimes I get a little selfish, and along with my self will, expectations soon follow.  My expectation went along with my selfish desire to spend some "BFF" time with my friend, and let the guys and kids fend for themselves.  I didn't have it written in my planner (so this IS improvement) but there it was, lingering in the back of my mind - my planning, and planning, and ...

It was in my obsessive planning where my most recent lesson in humility began.  We got out to Tennessee, and things were rocking along quite well.  Kids were playing, no fussing or arguing, guys were relaxing...  I had talked to all of my family members before we left Oklahoma, and everyone seemed healthy.  My sister was still recovering from surgery, but she had returned to work, so she should be fine.  My dad had had a scare with an abnormal CT Scan the weekend before, but all that seemed to have improved as well.  All in all, the health and wellness of my extended family was pretty good.  Both my sister and dad had reassured me that, "yes, you have to go on your trip!"

Then, I got "the call." My sister called and told me that she had been vomiting, so they were re-admitting her to the hospital for IV fluids.  Okay, I thought... No big deal, just a precaution.  I had my phone, so I went over her symptoms, labs, etc. and everything seemed to be pretty good.  The next day we went hiking in the National Park.  There's a funny thing about National Parks and nature - they tend to frown upon cell phone towers.  This means I had no cell phone service ALL DAY.  What to do?  Oh yeah, PRAY.  Then, PRAY some more.  Remember how I mentioned that "planning" I had been doing earlier?  Well, my obsessive-compulsive mind started making a list of all of the possible outcomes involving my sister.  Unfortunately, for me, planning and making lists translates into worry and anxiety, then the next thing I know, I am in crisis mode and not even thinking in a spiritual-reliant state at all.  My brain starts planning how I can change and fix things.  Needless to say - not too good for the serenity level.

So, when we finally had hiked the mountain, seen the waterfall, took the pictures, we high-tailed it back to town, and, more importantly, cell service.  As soon as I had cell service, my phone starting alerting me of multiple missed calls.  I immediately called my sister, and with my heart pounding, she tells me that she is getting ready to go back for emergency surgery because she had a leak in her stomach where they had performed the surgery and now she had an abscess.  She also told me they were putting in a feeding tube, and...  My brain took all that in, and ran with it.  But, wait...  I have heard some advice that I use a lot.  "Pause when agitated... and pause when doubtful."  I was sitting in the parking lot of our hotel, with the beautiful smokey mountains in the background, the glorious sun shining on my face, and clarity returned.

I began to pray, and I felt peace.  Clarity, truth - for me, these must come from God.  Without God's guidance, my thoughts seem to automatically turn to planning (just another word for Stacy trying to control everything) and making to-do lists.  This planning is just one manifestation of my self will trying to control my life.  Thank God, but I don't have to live like that anymore.

So, some of the clarity that God gave me last week was that I can pray for my sister and my Dad anywhere I am.  I don't have to be in Oklahoma to pray...  I don't have to be physically in the Operating Room to be connected with my sister.  I was right there beside her in Spirit.  By being in Tennessee, I was able to be a sister, and not her "medical manger" or her nurse, surgeon, wound specialist, etc...  God made her my sister - it was me who was trying to take on the burden of all those other things.  And let me confess, it is such a burden to take on all those other roles.  There is so much peace in just doing what God places in front of me, and not trying to control all those other things.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to be me, and loving me anyway (even when I sometimes try to do Your job).  Thank you for allowing me to do what You would have me do, which is always much more fulfilling that anything I would "plan" for myself.  I pray to be humble that I can see the bigger picture than the one that I have known.  Thank you God for taking care of me and the ones that I love - please help me to let go of those ideas and desires that I selfishly cling to, instead opening my eyes and heart to Your love.

My Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie

When I decided to start a blog about my life, I had every intention of writing every day or so.  Well, that really isn't how it has come together.  It seems like I don't always feel like I have anything to contribute - sometimes I feel like my days are similar in the day to day events.  Today I was gently reminded that life happens in these day to day events.  My tapestry "LIFE" is composed of those threads that are being woven together on a daily basis.  So, here I am again, sharing my thoughts, sharing a glimpse into my world.

Have you ever noticed how there seem to be "themes" to life?  By "theme" I am really referencing those gentle nudges and reminders that I think God gives me.  The past few days seem to have been "themed" on increasing awareness of "light" and God's presence in nature and my everyday world.  It is so beautiful!  I pose this question:  How much light does it take to chase away the dark?  Not much.  Only a tiny bit and everything changes perspective.  

I feel so lucky.  I have been married to the man of my dreams for twelve years.  I am so much more in love with him today than on our wedding day.  It's amazing!  I have always listened to love songs, read those cards about falling more and more in love the longer you are together.  I must confess - I thought those writers were over-emphasing their love and devotion.  How much love can a heart hold?  My young mind used to try to analyze, calculate then formulate a designated amount of love I could have for any one person.  Needless to say, I was WAY off in left field.  No, I wasn't even in the ballpark.  

My "word of the year" for 2011 is LOVE.  I have started a year long spiritual journey on love.  I am only 53 days into this journey, and I have learned and begun experiencing so much.  As I try to define my new, current understanding of love, I am at a loss for words.  I can say that I am coming to understand more and more each day the Bible verse, 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

I have mentioned the love that I have for my husband, but it is so much more than that.  I am starting to really think that love is really all that matters.  In the beginning, in the end, and in the middle.  Love is a noun and a verb.  Love can be used as an adjective.  (Sorry - the English lesson will end here).

I have focused mainly on the spiritual concept of love, but I cannot end this without giving a shout-out to that person who makes my heart race, makes my toes tingle, makes those butterflies in my stomach flutter, brings a smile to my face every time I think of him...  this is about him too.  I adore him.  And, you know what?  I am absolutely, one hundred and ten percent in LOVE with him and our life together.  Once again, just a little gift from above.  :)

Snow Week!

This has been a very weird week in Southeast Oklahoma.  The weather is frequently the topic of discussion, and Oklahoma weather is typically fast changing, often going from one extreme to the other.  In the past week, we have barely made it above freezing.  These frigid temperatures, combined with sleet and snow, have effectively shut down our little town of McAlester.  

I have had a wonderful week - it was absolutely beautiful!  School and work was closed for four days, which translated to all seven of us being home together. The best part was that we didn't lose power - how awesome is that?  So, I feel like I had the best of both worlds - all of the modern conveniences, combined with a winter storm which resulted in an unplanned "stay-cation" with the people I love most in this world.  

So, I have spent the past six days cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry.  I have been lazy.  I have taken naps, stayed up late, slept in, watched movies and read two books.  I have bundled up kids, warmed hands and feet, made hot chocolate...  We have spent the last six days in our own little world.  Yesterday the temperatures climbed above freezing, and the thaw began.  The roads became passable, and with that began our slow return to usual routine.  

Isolation is a funny thing - for some reason, the more I isolate myself, the more difficult it is to get "un-isolated."  When I try to avoid the outside world, I lose focus.  Reality and truth becomes blurred with justification and rationalization.  

Today is Sunday.  My soul was beginning to crave that fellowship with my friends and church family, but sometimes that selfish part of me creates conflict within.  I awoke this morning, and had fleeting thoughts of continuing my isolation one more day...  in the back of my mind, I heard, "stay in your pajamas, stay in bed...  it's wet and messy outside... just one more day of doing whatever Stacy wants..."  

Emma woke up, and the first words out of her mouth were, "Is today church day?"  Bless her heart - God was using this little person to gently remind me about what I needed to do in order to stay on course.  We all got up, got ready for church, and arrived on time (this is a major accomplishment!).

I often hear the wisdom, "Do the next right thing."  This used to be a source of confusion for me - I would spend so much mental energy analyzing, planning, reviewing, trying to control things that were beyond my control.  Slowly, surely, with His guidance, I am learning what this basic instruction of "do the next right thing" means.  For me it usually is something as simple as putting one foot in front of the other - sometimes it's actually starting, and moving out of the planning or procrastination phase.  Today the next right thing was getting up and going to church to fellowship, feed my soul, fill my spiritual needs.  God always gives me everything I need, if only I ask.      

I am so thankful that if I can just concentrate on doing what is right in front of me, doing the next right thing, God takes care of everything else.  Serenity - pure and simple.

If It's Not One thing...

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother...

So, this is a favorite saying of one of my friends.  It seems that if we ever run out of things to talk about, one of us usually has something to say about someone's mother.  I guess this has been going on for ages and ages, and when I pause to think about what my own kids say about me - well, it's probably better not to even go down that thought path.


I have been a mother for eighteen years and four months.  This is an interesting time actually - I have been a mother exactly one-half of my life.  From this point forward, my time as a mother will outnumber my pre-motherhood existence.  When I look back on my life as a mother, it takes my breath away.  I have gone through many different phases.  As a young mother, I struggled to be the perfect mother, have the perfect child - in my mind this consisted of those polished looking moms and babies from the magazines and TV commercials.  I wanted the kids who could play in the dirt, but the dirt just wouldn't stick to them.  I had a personal goal to never run out of wipes, diapers, snacks, bottles, clean changes of clothes, toys, and for good measure throw in a first aid kit (or maybe two).  Okay, I know now that I was a "little" obscessive and a "wee it" compulsive in those early years.


Next came the combination mother/college student/research job...  Definitely NOT my favorite phase, but hey, this did pass.  It felt like it took an exceptionally long time for me to get through college, but looking back, it ended up taking exactly the right amount of time to get us to where we needed to be for that next direction on our life journey.


After graduating college, came the career mom.  This phase was the most difficult, for me and probably everyone else around me.  Some of the struggles I faced during this time were life changing, and it is because of the hardships that I faced during the "career mom" phase that helped mold me into who I am today.


Today I am learning to embrace the face that there is "no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one."  And, today, that's all I really want.  As I meditate and pray before falling asleep, I review the day, and I ask God to help me the mother that He intends, not any of those crazy Stacy-imposed prototypes.  I am learning to embrace the imperfections, of being a "spiritual being instead of a human doing."   Just one day at a time.


I came across this poem about mothers, and wanted to share.  I can identify with so many of these women.  I hope you enjoy as much I did.  :)

For All Mothers 

This is for all the mothers who froze their buns off on metal bleachers at soccer games instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see my goal?" They could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick children in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Meyer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."

This is for all the mothers of Kosovo who fled in the night and can't find their children. This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see and for the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes and for all the mothers who don't.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleeping to dread, from bed to crib at 2 a.m. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying?

I think so.

So this is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't.

This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again, "Just one more time".

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Who yell at their kids in grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like a tired two year old who wants ice cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started to school and for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

For all the mothers who bite their lips (sometimes until they bleed) when their 14 year olds dyed their hair green.

This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop.

This is for all mothers who show at work with spit-up in their hair and milkstains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

This is for mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home or are grown.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves.

This is for all the mothers whose children have gone astray and who can't find words to reach them.

This is for all the mothers who sent their child to school with a stomach ache, assuring that they would be just FINE once they got there, only to get a call from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up right away.

This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working moms and stay-at-home moms. Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money and mothers without.
This is for you, so hang in there. The world would be a terrible place without the love of mothers everywhere. You make it a more civil, caring and safe place for the precious children in our world.

Author unknown

Pause. When Agitated. Or Doubtful.

Pause When Agitated or Doubful...

Hmmm...  Where to start?  For those of you who know me, you all know that I am pretty open about my spirituality.  Not religious stuff - I'm talking about my relationship with God.  I am so blessed - words cannot even describe the blessings that I receive from God.  That being said, not every moment of every day is filled with sunshine and rainbows.  I guess it's these moments that I am talking about today.

God has blessed me immensely through a very special friendship, a guidance counselor along my spiritual path.  This is some wisdom that seems to be coming to the forefront of my mind today:  "Pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action...  asking for God's will, not mine, be done."  Powerful, powerful, life changing words!

Needless to say, today was more of a day to "pause when agitated."  I am so grateful that I am learning that that feeling such as agitation or doubt are those little signals that I need to look to Him for answers. 

Today, I had a difficult day.  My oldest son suffers from ADHD.  He is having some psychological testing performed, and he was not able to take his routine medication this morning.  For the past eighteen years I have been trying to "fix" him, shelter him from the world.  As his mother, I want him to always make the right choices - I realize I want him to make the choices "I" would make with my thirty-six years of experience - all of these choices using his eighteen year old brain, with his eighteen year old experiences.  I have been working on giving him to God for years.  I would pray, asking God to do this, to do that, give him over to God, then a few minutes, hours or days later, there I would be, right in the middle of it, trying to "cure"him.  My friend told me the a few months ago, "God loves him more than you do, you know."  I was shocked at first, then appalled, then finally, blessedly, calm acceptance.  Yes, God does love him more than I do.  I love him as much as I am capable, but I am only human.  God is everything - God is love.  God is....  well, God just is!  I am finding as I grow in my relationship with God, I am finding it more difficult to explain and define God.  My friend tells me that I am just starting to understand, but you know what?  It feels wonderful!

So, back to my day of pauses...  I came to realie today that when I felt agitated, that was just a little nudge from God, saying, "give him back to Me, let me take care of Him."  And, I said, "okay, I think I will do that." 

Country Wisdom

"Never try to catch two frogs with one hand."

This was my inspirational thought for the day - this should be my motto for life.  I am constantly trying to multi-task, juggle too many schedules and trying squeeze too many tasks into each waking moment of my day.  Unfortunately, this usually results in my feeling overwhelmed and stressed.  My spiritual advisor reminds me of this simple truth:  "STRESS = MY BRAIN SAYING YES, BUT THE UNIVERSE OR POWERS THAT BE SAYING NO, STACY, IT ISN'T POSSIBLE."  So, once again I can see that my stress almost always results in me trying to multi-task and fit square pegs into round holes.  In other words, my stress is of my own making, taking on too much.

This may sound like I am talking about life changing events, like ending world hunger or something.  But, that isn't so...  the stress I am talking about, the stress that just seems to overwhelm me are the inconsequential things.  Like trying to find two matching shoes for my two year old, or getting Charlie, my Chihuahua to pee outside when there is snow on the ground.  It's funny how much wisdom is written in the song lyrics "it's the little things that kill."

So, back to my daily inspirational thought.   God must know that I need these gentle reminders to embrace each moment.  When left to my own devices, I will focus on too much, placing too much thought and worry about the future.  I cherish these words of wisdom - I believe that this is God speaking to me in His own special way.  And, what do you know...  when I stay mindful, live in the moment, being fully aware and keeping "my presence in the present," life becomes real and enjoyable.  And, an added benefit - I find two matching shoes for my two year old, and Charlie makes yellow snow.